The First Year Without My Wife

Grief is a catalyst for extraordinary change and personal growth

It has been a year since Ivana, my wife, passed away after a battle with her heart. March 13. Three days before our 19th anniversary. 

I miss her every day.

The past two years have seen incredible, unrelenting change. In every facet of life. 

Since Ivana passed away, I have been going through a sort of rebirth. A reset. I realize that I have the rare opportunity to pivot my life in a new direction. To re-invent myself. Some changes have been more organic, people change naturally after going through a traumatic event. Other changes have been very deliberate and thought through. 

 Where does one begin?

The answer comes from my wife. She was a better person than I was. Always thinking of others. Always ready to lend a hand. I need to become a better version of myself. For her. 

To get a better idea of how awesome my wife was, please read ‘Tap, Tap, Tap. The moment I knew my wife was never coming home.’

It’s not that I was a bad guy, I just know that I could have been better. A better person. A better husband.

In the last year of her life, Ivana’s health progressively deteriorated to the point where we had to move. She could not handle our deep tub or manage the stairs in our condo. Too often, Ivana slept in the lazy boy in the living room. 

We did not have the time to sell our condo and buy another. Rent was our best option, and then renting out the condo that we owned. I saw a couple of apartments we liked but was outbid. 

A life-changing phone call

One morning Ivana called me at work, crying, and told me she just couldn’t get up the stairs. Her legs just couldn’t do it. She eventually crawled up the stairs to get breakfast. 

That was a moment I’ll never forget. In retrospect, a life-changing call. I worked in logistics and planning in the automotive industry. I had not been happy for a while, to be honest. Working too hard for too little, and questioning my motivation. I walked into the plant manager’s office and quit on the spot. I didn’t even bother with HR or the possibility of taking a leave of absence. I just didn’t care.

Perhaps my mind was not in the best place to make such a life-altering decision. I like to think my mind was in the perfect place.

Time to get my priorities right. Taking care of Ivana needed to become my number one responsibility. Finding a more suitable place for Ivana needed to be my full-time job. I was going home. And somewhere in my soul, I knew I wasn’t coming back. 

I was outbid a third time for a perfect place for us. Well, not really perfect. But good enough. It was a new condo but the area was still a construction site and it would have been difficult to take Ivana out in her wheelchair for a nice walk. I was blown away that someone had offered over $2600 for a two-bedroom condo with no amenities. 

The process was draining. It did not bring out the best in me. 

I remember being frustrated with Ivana in a grocery store. She was on oxygen full-time and moved slowly, leaning on the cart with her portable machine in the child seat. I ran ahead and grabbed stuff off our list, and threw it in the cart. She asked me to be more patient. I answered by checking my phone for updates on a condo I had looked at and applied for. I ran off again, in an apparent craze to shop fast.

I had wanted to scream at the top of my lungs, but did not want Ivana to see my disappointment and mounting anger at our situation.

I learned that we had not been approved for the condo. Someone else had been given the keys. Again. Frustration filled me to the point where I was blind to all else. All I could think about was getting out of the store and home to continue the search. 

I must have looked like quite the idiot to anyone paying attention. I wanted to move us so bad that I had let it control me. I had ignored her wishes in the store. I didn’t yell or anything, but I was not who I needed to be for my wife.

Later that night I came to my senses and apologized to Ivana.

She told me that she was mad at me for being impatient, but she understood because of the pressure I felt to move. She knew how much I wanted to provide a more comfortable life for her, for however long she had to enjoy it.

I had just quit my job, so I did not want to pay more for rent. A new tactic was required. To secure the next condo I saw that worked for us, I offered to pay the entire year upfront. Dangle a check for thirty grand, and you get results. I know the owner was going to make up for any higher bids with the interest he was going to earn off our money. I didn’t care. I secured a perfect place for us and didn’t have to pay more. A huge sigh of relief. 

Several weeks later, Ivana mentioned the grocery store incident in the hospital. She wasn’t so concerned with me being impatient, she had been concerned about my stress level and how I was coping with the situation.

I told Ivana that I regretted being impatient at any time during her illness. She responded by telling me that she loved me for doing whatever it took to find her a more comfortable place to live, and taking good care of her.

Ivana assured me that my desire to find her a better living environment meant far more than my behavior in a store one day.

Regardless, I will forever regret not being more patient. Not only that day, but as a general rule.

Increased patience is part of the ‘better me’.

We moved into Friday Harbour. A wonderful community, but most importantly, a step-in shower and zero stairs. That shower meant a lot to Ivana. With a shower bench installed, she could finally bathe with dignity. I did not mind helping her before, but that wasn’t the point. Ivana’s dignity, self-respect, and confidence were what mattered. 

I’ll never forget the first time Ivana used the shower at Friday Harbour. A long, hot shower. She walked slowly into the living room, her oxygen cord trailing behind. She looked so relaxed and happy, wrapping her hair in a towel. “I feel like a million bucks!” She exclaimed.

That made it all worth it. 

A better me begins with gratitude

What I never could have imagined was the incredible journey Ivana’s death would lead me on. A transformation from the old me to a new me. 

A better me. In Ivana’s honour, it’s the least I can do. 

I have always been empathetic to those around me. My father donated a lot of his time to many charitable causes. My mother was a teacher for 37 years. Empathy was part of our household growing up. 

As it is with these things, empathy needs to show more in deed than just thoughts. Ivana was a developmental social worker for many years, and the stories she told about her clients proved she had empathy to spare. Shared empathy was a connection we had, and something Ivana liked about me from the start. But I can speak up louder when I see things that bother me. 

Perhaps the most important change has been my ability to be grateful. 

Ivana understood what being truly grateful meant. If I was annoyed that we could ‘only’ afford a driving vacation or nosebleed concert tickets, she was there to remind me how fortunate we were to go at all. 

I understand better now. Being grateful matters. It’s an important part of being a decent human being. Gratefulness may be in short supply, but I can do my part. I have too much to be grateful for. 

As a Canadian born in 1973, I have enjoyed a life of choice and yes, privilege. I need to remember how fortunate I am to have grown up with almost zero threat of war or conflict. Military duty was only by choice. As kids, we lived safe, happy lives. 

Given the opportunities we had, my wife and I worked hard to achieve what we did and created a great life together. I need to be grateful for those opportunities, and the freedom we had to make the choices that allowed us to create such a life. 

Gratitude is the foundation for the new me. The one personality trait that Ivana tried to get me to improve during our entire time together. I get it now. Don’t worry honey, your efforts were not in vain. 

I see the anger poisoning our world. There is a general lack of gratitude around the globe. Among the haves, and have-nots. Many of those with little are far more grateful than those with a lot. I live in a sweet condo with many friends and I travel the world. How can I not be grateful? 

I am angry that my wife was taken from me too soon. That’s okay. 

I am incredibly grateful that I spent 23 years with her by my side. I am grateful for knowing her inner beauty, for how we supported each other in good times and bad, and for all the wonderful moments we shared.

I am mostly grateful for how she loved me. 

Experiences over things

My outlook on life itself has changed to a huge degree. Where I was once concerned with working hard and having stuff, I now wish to work for myself and have more experiences. 

‘Experiences over things’ is my new mantra. 

Ivana and I loved to travel. Our bucket lists were filled with far-off places and adventures. Some grand and glorious, such as an African Safari, or riding the Orient Express from Paris to Istanbul.

Some on our lists were the exact opposite, driven by a thirst for knowledge and a love of history. Auswitz was high on Ivana’s list, right near the top. The Anne Frank House in Amsterdam and the Vimy Ridge monument in France were important to us. I was able to visit both in July of 2023. My Vimy Ridge story is here.

This past summer I visited Dachau Concentration Camp, not so much for me, but for Ivana. I am so glad I did. Talk about a kick in the grateful! Avoiding any time in such an evil place should send all of our gratefulness meters sky high. I wrote about it. The Priests Built the Crematorium

‘Experiences over things’ is not a new concept for me. I am just taking it to a new level. Ivana and I generally looked for cool experiences when we travelled. That habit is very easy to continue. 

Whenever Ivana and I escaped winter for the Florida sun, we spent little time at the beach. There were too many other fun and exciting things to do. She would rather enjoy the sun at a spring training baseball game, preferably with her BlueJays. Epcot was our favorite of the theme parks, but we went to them all because a theme park is the best date ever. 

Even if you’ve been married for 15 years. Nothing is more fun than making out at the back of the Disney train, grossing out the young people! I laugh at the memories.

One Saturday morning in Atlanta, Ivana disappeared while we were eating breakfast. When she came back to our table, I was asked for eighty dollars. “There is a college basketball tournament this weekend. We should go to the semi-finals today. I was talking to people with extra tickets.”

And so it was. Ivana talked to everyone, everywhere we went. And often her conversations lead to cool events and spontaneous outings. 

It’s the ‘things’ on the home front that I am re-evaluating. Basically, if it collects dust, I’m not interested. I’m purging stuff that I thought was important to have in the before times. And is there ever a lot! We amassed a lot of dust-collecting stuff over the years. 

Experiences I regret not having

Ivana wanted to explore the country of her parent’s birth, Italy. That was a desire that grew the longer we were together. She had little interest in Italy during the first years of our relationship. Ivana never mentioned Rome and its many tourist attractions and rich history. The Vatican held no interest for her, she understood that religion is an ancient method of control. 

It was the town of Bucchianico that she wanted to see. Roughly due east of the capital, the small town was where her mom was born and her parents lived before immigrating to Canada in the 1950s. I imagine she came to want to understand her parents more, and understand herself better at the same time. I wish we made it there.

Ivana and I made the mistake of putting off bigger vacations across the ocean. There was always a good reason. Maybe a car needed replacing, or saving for our down payment. We always traveled, but would take road trips in the eastern half of North America.

We had lots of time. Or so we thought. 

A massive regret I will never forgive myself for.

Sometimes, I have a hard time being grateful for the travel we did. I regret the travel we did not do. Talk about first-world problems!

Ivana deserved to see more of the world, to check off more of her list. Besides, she was an awesome travel co-pilot. Always up for some new adventure, and never afraid to go off the beaten track. Seeing the world with Ivana would have been magical.

Good-bye corporate world

A massive change. I am starting a second career. Writing. A transition from the security of a steady paycheck to the uncertainty of a writer’s life. Ivana always thought I could but I never took the plunge. Now that I know how short life can be, it’s time to go for it. 

I have zero interest in returning to the corporate world, although I do miss those sweet dental benefits. Writing about Ivana and our life together originally was a coping method. People like to read them, so I will keep writing those stories.  

Thank you, Ivana. You are still making me a better person. 

‘Our Journey Together’ is a collection of stories that will keep growing. I hope to turn them into a book. I hope you enjoy reading my work. You can find more of my writing at medium.com

Copyright 2024, Michael Williams All rights reserved.