It was September, 2022. Ivana and I loaded up the SUV and headed out on the road for the last time.
We needed one more vacation together. Ivana’s heart was not doing well. She had a hole in the intake valve of her heart. Her lungs were failing, and she was on oxygen. Her medication bag sank my heart just to look at it. But we loved to travel together, it had to be done.
We knew it was likely our last vacation together. Strange emotions. I wrote before about wishing I was more patient with my wife during her illness. Loading our Escape was one of those times. I had to pack her oxygen machine. Now I can admit that I hated that, it pissed me off. I had a hard time accepting our reality.
Looking back, I know why. Ivana’s oxygen machine represented how our happy and carefree days of travel were coming to an end. All the things that we loved to do together were ending.
Instead of leaving our worries at home when going on vacation, we were taking them with us, and it made me frustrated and angry.
Worst of all, I took out some of my anger on Ivana, in the form of impatience. She did not deserve or need that. I could have been a better me. Maybe I’m being too hard on myself. Whatever. I don’t know.
An awesome travel co-pilot on every vacation
Ivana was an awesome travel co-pilot. She was inquisitive and adventurous and loved to meet and talk to local people everywhere we went.
I was the planner and came up with most of our travel itineraries. Ivana would always get excited at my ideas, add her thoughts, and generally immediately agreed, no matter what my plans entailed. She once agreed to zipline over alligators in Florida, before realizing that I was serious.
“Send me the links,” Ivana would say, and start looking up places on the internet. She loved to keep a file on our upcoming vacations and would open it often, especially if she had a tough day at work. It was a form of therapy, and made her feel better. It always made us feel better to know that something awesome and fun was coming soon.
This was especially true of our final vacation. We knew we wanted to be together after vacationing back in our dating days. Our greatest memories are from travelling and exploring together. So we needed to take one last vacation, even if it could only be a short road trip.
We kept paper copies of our plans in the same old blue folder for over 20 years. Tickets and reservations and any notes were saved there. That folder has been everywhere we travelled. It sits empty now, but when I open it a whole world of amazing memories is unlocked.
A weekend with the BlueJays was a fitting choice
The Toronto BlueJays were my and Ivana’s favorite sports team, and we went to a lot of home games. We had travelled to road games before, and it’s always so much fun.
For our last vacation together, it was a fitting choice. The Jays were in Pittsburgh for Labour Day weekend in 2022. Only about a 6-hour drive from our home north of Toronto. Perfect!
I looked into hotels and found that the closest ones to the stadium were booked. Fans had booked those hotels just days after the schedule was released, so we settled on one of the Marriott chains that was still close enough to walk if Ivana felt up to it.
Ivana made several phone calls to make sure we were good for our trip. She was concerned about things she had never been concerned about before. I think most of the calls were simply to calm her nerves. Did the hotel allow oxygen machines? Did the ballpark have a place to charge her portable machine, and oxygen if she had a problem?
It wasn’t about looking for an excuse not to go. It was about making sure that she could go. Ivana was bound and determined to enjoy one last vacation, that was just another reason why she was so awesome.
On the road again!
As was almost always the case, we set out on a beautiful day for driving. Once on the road, I settled down and relaxed. We talked about the Jays and laughed about her current favorite player, a young catcher named Alejandro Kirk. She had her own nickname for him, ‘Chubby.’ Always a fan of the underdog, her favorite players were never the big-name guys.
I thought he was out of shape and overrated, likely to be a one-season wonder. (Unfortunately, I seem to have been correct) I joked with her that even carrying her oxygen machine, she could beat him to first base.
The drive was uneventful. We pulled off Interstate 79 at Grove City, to stretch our legs and get something to eat. Primanti Bros. makes great sandwiches. We wandered around the outlet mall for a bit before driving the final 90 minutes or so to our hotel.
We checked in and spent the rest of the day exploring Pittsburg. It’s an interesting and overlooked destination, in my humble opinion.
The Carnegie Science Center is a personal favorite, and the Andy Warhol Museum has a very cool collection of his art. There is much to do, and the area by the Football and Baseball stadiums is always busy. There is plenty of green space along the Allegheny River. In healthier times, we would have walked the Three Rivers Heritage Trail.
Unfortunately, our hotel was on the other side of the Allegheny River from the stadium. Not really a big deal, but the Roberto Clemente Bridge was closed for repairs. This was the usual bridge to cross for sporting events.
Clemente and the Ballpark
The bridge is named after a true hero. Clemente was an incredible ballplayer who excelled at every aspect of the game. He could hit for power and average, catch any ball hit near him, and had a cannon for an arm.
Clemente was also a real humanitarian, who donated his time and money to causes in his native Puerto Rico, Pittsburg, and Central America. Clemente was killed in a plane crash while delivering aid to victims of the Nicaragua Earthquake on December 31, 1972.
The Roberto Clemente Award is given each year to the ballplayer who best exemplifies service to others and the community.
The ballpark in Pittsburgh is relatively new, and an instant favorite of Ivana and mine. Great sightlines and an old-school atmosphere. The frame is made of steel girders that are painted black and left exposed. A homage to Forbes Field (1909), the first steel-framed stadium in the country.
A strange, emotional Friday
Friday night we found our seats in the handicapped section, at the top of the lower grandstand. Ivana was frustrated about that. She never felt handicapped just because she was on oxygen. We had debated where to sit more than once when choosing our seats. In the end, we decided to err on the side of caution. We sat where there were plugs for her machine to charge, and no stairs to walk.
I made sure we were on the visitor’s side of the field. As predictable, the entire first base side was a sea of blue. Jays fans outnumbered the Pirates fans by a 2 to 1 margin. Pittsburgh was finishing a disappointing season, while the Jays were headed to the playoffs.
I can’t remember what the score was, but the Jays won the game on Friday night. I think by a lot. We walked around the stadium a bit, and then made a stark realization.
Ivana’s machine had not been fully plugged in while we watched the game, and her battery was very low!
I adjusted the setting to add more time, and we searched for a place to plug it in. Ivana was getting worried and more concerned by the second. I wasn’t that worried, we were downtown in a major city. A power outlet couldn’t be that hard to find. Ivana grew very annoyed at my attitude.
“My husband doesn’t care if I die tonight.”
We had planned to take an Uber back to the hotel, but needed to get her portable charged a bit first. We found an Irish pub, and sat at a table with an outlet underneath. Ivana’s machine charged while I had a drink.
She glared at me, and told our server “My husband doesn’t care if I die tonight.” I sighed and rolled my eyes, but said nothing. The poor girl didn’t know what to say either, and gave me a helpless expression. I ordered the Uber. The car was quiet on the journey back to the hotel.
The next morning our moods were better. Not great. We ate breakfast. There was not much conversation. Ivana did not feel like doing anything special before the game, which was a 4 p.m. start.
I went for a walk, had a swim, and worked out while Ivana relaxed in our room. I felt bad about my weight gain. Stress eating, I suppose. Or at least that made an acceptable excuse. I didn’t drink much, but was smoking a lot of pot to deal with the stress. Blame the munchies.
How the fuck are you supposed to deal with that?
I don’t know what she was thinking about as Ivana lay on the bed. She wasn’t in the mood for conversation. I didn’t know what to say, so I didn’t say anything. I know the whole situation was tough. How could it not be? We were both dealing with it the best we could.
Ivana was dying, and there was nothing we or the doctors could do about it. How the fuck are you supposed to deal with that?
I feel that there were times we dealt with her illness very well. I feel there were times when we dealt with it very poorly. Mood swings were common. We would try to keep a brave face, and then wonder why we bothered.
After my swim, I tried to get her to relax in the hot tub with me. Hard no.
At least Ivana felt better as the time approached to head to the ballpark. She donned her light blue jersey, the one in the picture above. It was new, I bought it that summer because her other Jays gear was so big on her now.
I was surprised when she said she felt like walking to the game, but happy because I knew it meant she felt better. We crossed the bridge and mingled with the crowd. Ivana and I wanted a drink, but the area bars were very busy. We stopped at a patio outside a restaurant called ‘Steak on a Stone.’ It didn’t look like much, but the aroma from the restaurant made us both crave a nice piece of beef.
Predictably, the place was packed with pre-game eaters and drinkers. Sunday’s game would start at 1 o’clock, so we made a reservation for 4:30.
Saturday at the ballpark
Saturday’s game was a special event. The Pirates were inducting players into their team hall of fame, and many of the past greats were in attendance. I felt a little bad for them. Pittsburgh fans had not come out as they should have for the special day.
Toronto fans are knowledgeable and respectful baseball fans though, and we stood and cheered for the past players. The ring around the infield had a flag for each player as they were introduced. Some players were represented by their widows and children. It was a very nice presentation.
Predictably, Roberto Clemente received the loudest and longest ovation.
If I remember correctly, he was represented by his widow, daughter, and grandchildren. The ovation lasted some time. Clemente was so much more than a ballplayer. There were plenty of tears in the stands, including Ivana’s. It was emotional.
The game was close, but the Jays hung on for the win. I think 4–2. After the game, there was a cool drone show, with the heads of the Pirate greats lit up over the field.
We did not do much after the game. We had kept a close watch on Ivana’s portable machine, and while it was fully charged, I think she was nervous about it. As I mentioned, moods were tough to figure out. She claimed to be tired, so we just took an Uber back to the hotel.
Ivana as more herself, so I could be more myself
The next day we woke in better spirits. I remember Ivana laughing through breakfast and being very chatty with the other Jays fans. That’s more like it! Ivana was more herself that day, which meant I could relax, and be more like my normal self.
We walked to the ball diamond with a few other fans, and gave some good-natured ribbing to the Pirates fans we met along the way. Ivana was extra chatty with the ushers and wanted to walk around the concourse for a bit before the first pitch. There was a jovial atmosphere among the Jays fans.
I’m pretty certain that the Jays laid a thumping on the Pirates that afternoon. I remember there were a couple of home runs hit. We stood and cheered for each one, remembering to make sure that Ivana’s portable machine was plugged in the entire time.
After the game, we had to walk to the other side of the stadium to get to the restaurant. Jays fans were hooting and hollering. We joined in. It was like I was with a different person. I had become accustomed to her mood swings. She had become accustomed to mine as well. It was so fun to see the real her. I needed that. I’m certain she did as well.
‘Steak on a Stone’
Ivana had more energy than normal that day, and we only took a couple of short breaks as we walked to ‘Steak on a Stone.’ The restaurant was very plain. Wooden chairs and tables, their tops made to look like cut logs. The usual sports memorabilia was tacked to the walls, depicting Pittsburgh players from baseball, football, and hockey.
We were seated and presented with menus. The server explained the concept. Our steak would be brought out one degree under how we ordered it. The stone would be 800 degrees, and sizzling, still cooking the meat. Very cool.
Our meals were served on a cutting board with a space cut out for the brick (stone) to sit. Our steaks were well-seasoned and cooked rare. We would cut a slice and hold it to the stone for a few seconds, bringing the temp up to medium rare. It was delicious!
We enjoyed our food, had some drinks, and shared many laughs. That dinner was as if Ivana and I had stepped back in time. It was like before her illness, when we were carefree and had no worries at all while on vacation.
That meal will always be fondly remembered.
Mixed emotions driving home
The drive home the next day was relaxed and calm. We drove mostly with my hand on her thigh, her hand on mine. Content. We never mentioned the ordeal Friday, or her mood Saturday. We didn’t need to. That was not important to us.
We discussed how the Jays’ sweep had put them in a good position for the playoffs, and what a great day we had on Sunday.
Our final vacation together was coming to an end. Ivana mentioned that she hoped it wasn’t, but it most likely was our last together. We knew the truth, try as we might to pretend otherwise. As was often the case, we had mixed emotions. Happy and grateful for what we had, yet sad and angry that our life together was going to end way too soon.
We wondered if there was a ‘Steak on a Stone’ style concept near us. Turns out there was, in the small city of Orillia, not too far away.
It would be at that restaurant, ‘Lot 88’, that my family would meet to celebrate my and my sister’s birthdays the following February. Ivana had been in the hospital over Christmas, and had missed the holiday celebrations and family dinner.
Ivana was feeling strong enough to join my parents and my sister and her husband at the restaurant. Otherwise, we would have made other plans.
That birthday dinner was a laughter-filled affair. It was so good to see the six of us out together, with Ivana smiling and laughing. I tried to steal a shrimp from her, and was nearly stabbed with a fork. As it turned out, it would be the last social outing for Ivana.
Ivana passed away gently in the hospital on March 13, with me by her side.
I miss her so much.
Copyright 2024, Michael Williams. All rights reserved.
